A Diary of A Single Man: A Father’s Day After Thought

When you’ve fathered children and not one has reached out to say, “Happy Father’s Day”, dad.

The crime behind the pain, the shame and remorse.

A Diary of A Single Man: A Father’s Day After Thought

When you’ve paid over $200,000 in child support and have little to nothing to show from it.

Dad with a lowercase “d” has been placed inside a bottle and put out of sight on a dusty shelf. The unimaginable and excruciating pain that’s felt after a unharmonic relationship has failed, crashed and burned. Another one sadly bites the dust. A fatherless home in search of and in need of a replacement. As the sunset fades to black, a new reality sets in and the process begins of picking up the scattered pieces shattered across the living room and kitchen floor. Another cold dinner plate thrown against a freshly painted wall. The efforts we make, and the different steps we’re forced to take before the white towel is thrown inside the ring. After it’s all said and done we continue to try one more time, before our final call.

How the menu is never filling and the traditional relationship lasting for 50+ years finds its resting place in the graveyard next to a tombstone labeled, “retirement plan”.

Here behind this gate lie’s the stagnant and dormant abyss.  There’s no story here pointing the finger, placing the blame onto someone else.  You will not find this test subject cursing others for his short comings in life. Nor will you find a complaint number, filed. No unresolved issues about an oversize sweater or a cheap tie received. There isn’t an accusation found, just an mere candid observation rarely televised by your local network stations.

– 

I shrink, separate myself from others so I can think. One paycheck for three households serve a disasterous outcome on catastrophic portions. Do the math, her cut, my hole in the wall and if I decide to date, let’s just forget about it. I cram to relate. I Overstand why, some men lie. They lie because they fear the other person will make a final decision for the both of them. How the closing of the candy shop leads to the infamous search for a new lollipop.  To discover how it all translates. The new woman who tries to be in my life pops the question. Do I have a job? Do I have any children and do I take care of them? What she’s really asking is, “How much money is not coming into her household.” Why do women ask about a mans children? Do you plan to help me with them? Is it that important to know what’s left after 17%? Shame on you if you do.

A court order has stripped me from being head of household which is something I can’t control. I’m a man made to become a mouse. For a rat with one hole is a poor rat. 

Child support has become the new welfare. Now I wear the proverbial pink skirt. Call me by my new name; “A Bitch” minus the pumps. I grit my teeth, stay steadily on my grind and contemplate on what I can control, and create in total darkness. For I isolate myself, as my iPhone, iPad and iMac become my blog studio. My bedroom is used as a think tank. I lay in the middle of my empty, lonely king size bed developing concepts and creating characters in a world of my own. No distractions. No complications. The flat screen is rarely used. The blank screen reflect my hearts expression. Another closed chapter. It’s time to bury the hatchet, move on and not take life for granted.

A Diary of A Single Man: A Father’s Day After Thought

How a beautiful flower blossoms in a dark room without any light. From the mixture of organic remains to the blacker the blueberry to the very acid is the soil. Who’s in control? To the abstract principle of territory of a particular nation. The foundation remains black in origin. Dark matter always quite the noise and silence the chatter. Some people have the nerve to say, “Why does it matter?” 

 –

Beloved, life is everlasting; continuous. You can see it if you know how. You can even hold it in your hands. It’s warm to the touch and it gives off light. You’ll discover it has a little weight to it, if you hold it right.  All light surrounds itself around darkness. You are a vessel of sound in the mist of darkness; a shadow which reflects a house of light and insight.

Darkness is a closed door, a lingering illness filled with suffering. It’s damp and lonely. It’s also a cold unforgiving, miserable wind which forever twist and bends.

A Diary of A Single Man: A Father’s Day After Thought

How two people can come to together to procreate and over a period of time find themselves unable to relate.

 –

Balancing The Scales:

 When one works two full time jobs to keep his head above running water while holding his breath with a punctured lung, during a raging storm.

The domino effect and the overall countless total which lies ahead.

From the lives which are lost, to the healing during and thereafter the recovery mission to the part we all partake.

The Paragon Effect:

Behold the awesome weight and the responsibility of a person who’s regarded to be a perfect example of a particular quality of substance. 

A Diary of A Single Man: A Father’s Day After Thought

The feeling of being boxed in and trapped.

How life tapers off at the core. 

A Diary of A Single Man: A Father’s Day After Thought

The six story flat was well below the quality of substandard. Voices in the dark can be heard casually talking in the background.  Meanwhile, the jingle jangling sound of keys hitting against each other echo throughout the 4th floor hallway by an oversize pest control serviceman whom was last seen yesterday with a toothbrush tucked in between his cheek and tongue, while he willy nilly down a flight of stairs not too swiftly but in a jiffy eating sweet & spicy 🌶  chicken 🍗 wings with his partner, Billy who shimmered in a stink of sweat. It was reported he had tripped and missed the last three steps falling flat on his face breaking his nose and chipping a tooth. Black don’t crack until you smoke it. People had mentioned seeing him last week ambling stumbling through the streets, talking strangely to himself and acting awkward in an bumbling manner.  

Over time the texture of a picture on the wall in the hallway became grainy and unclear. A woman screams from a distance. The volume of the static from the television became an unbearable symphony, played off key. Sunny days of yesterday are now shades of grey on a very foggy day. Death has its own distinctive fragrance, something one can’t easily wash off. Christmas and birthdays aren’t like they use to be. A big beautiful ice cream cake with candles melting as unwrapped gifts are found under a swinging body hanging from a steel pipe on the wall. Like a child plucked from a grim foster home the image of it all reflected complete hopelessness. The sight of it would make your skin prickle in horror.  As his stiff body swing from left to right his stress is relieved; chest is no longer tight. The loop-knot tethered around his neck indicated there were restrictions to his struggle. The overwhelming weight of the body made his neck and head spin like a wheel on a carousel. It eventually popped off causing blood to spray on the walls, then splatter on the cake and gifts below once his body hit the floor. Filthy rodents who snack, on their freshly delivered assorted edible arrangementssniff then scurry while other varmints dash and scamper in the dark. The neighbors cat has its feast.

– 

Like a flame to a pot of water which evaporates, I can see his spirit levitate and sail away. The sight of it all made my entire body cringe because it seemed like an awful waste of good cake. Maybe he could’ve exchanged the gifts if he didn’t like them. Why do people judge and meddle into others affairs? Who knows what goes through a person’s mind on the day they decide to end it all? Perhaps, they felt too old to continue to play a role in this kind of caper. He simply became another lonely soul of a passenger desperately seeking to get off at the next stop from life instead of returning to the savage life he once lived. 

They discovered in the right, inside pocket of his tailored made sports coat, a feather of a vintage quill pen encased inside a glass case for safe keeping. Before the auction it was rumored to sell at 2.5 million. Investors say it will go for more now the owner is deceased. I wonder if his children will resurface and claim what they think belong them. I ponder more about the cold hearted greedy people who didn’t call nor came around when he was alive. Who’s to know the things we collect would later accumulate value. Who’s to know he didn’t want to face the truth of knowing you’re only worth something when you’re dead.

Members of his family organized and arranged a closed casket funeral. There, it was mentioned he once possessed a unique force of character with a level of determination to be modeled. His mannerism complimented his style, and nerve to match. His moxie best defined his overall swag.

Revelations

There’s a book out there created to paint the illusion of a particular historical story. Its the greatest story ever told, a guide which attracts the ignorant and the sick at heart like a magnet. Does anyone know the title of this book?

It’s a scripture used to control sheep; the weak. It’s a manual a whole person doesn’t need, at all.

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A Diary of A Single Man: A Father’s Day After Thought

Harlem, 

 

Heaven is at the foot of Mother…

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24 thoughts on “A Diary of A Single Man: A Father’s Day After Thought

  1. I can feel your pain, as my only son went through, and is still going through terrible times. His ex took everything from him–, children, home, his money. It’s all very depressing, and I don’t know how long it’s going to last?
    I hope it gets better for you with the passage of time. It does take time to get over a harrowing experience. God have His Mercy on you, and us too. Amen.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Amen… Bless you dearly for reply and I thank you, kindly.

      God is great and revealing. I don’t blame women who step on the back of another person’s neck to get ahead. I blame myself. We should be able or place ourselves in the position to see the false prophet. The representatives who stands before us will always appear to have the right answers. We should know the right questions to ask and the best buttons to push to reveal a person true self. For example: piss that person off and see how they deal/delegate their anger. Observe if they are built for the test of time (for the long haul).

      Liked by 2 people

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